


Romantic Advice

by brotherfuckers



Series: Striderclan [88]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Confessions, Cronus Ampora - Freeform, Feferi Peixes - Freeform, Kanaya Maryam - Freeform, Stridercest - Freeform, Vriska Serket - Freeform, chat log, eridan ampora - Freeform, kankri vantas - Freeform, kink talk, mention of incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 13:30:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1552181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brotherfuckers/pseuds/brotherfuckers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave makes a confession to an anonymous online friend who is a part of group he regularly talks with in a chat room. TG and CG get into a discussion about kinks and realize that they have some in common.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Romantic Advice

It’s a late night and most everyone in the Strider household is asleep. Of course that leaves Dave a very quiet apartment where he has to hide the light from his laptop under his sheets as he logs into his favorite chat room.

* * *

TG has joined the room!  
AG: And she was 8eing soooooooo laaaaaaaame it wasn’t even funny. Not amusing in the least.  
GA: Please Be Nice, Dear.  
AG: This is nice, Dear.  
CA: Please don’t start the pet names. I don’t wwant to throww up my dinner.  
CC: G--ET A ROOM!!! And then G--ET SOM--E!!!  
CA: Fef, please.  
KK: That is quite enough. I don’t need this salacious talk in my chat room. I will ban anyone who continues.  
CN: Hey chief, lay off a bit. They don’t mean no harm.  
KK: I shudder at your grammar. I know you passed English. In fact, you actually had a higher score than me.  
CA: Wwait... he did?  
CN: Is that really so surprisin?  
GA: A Bit. Yes  
AG: Ouch!!!!!!!! 8urn.  
GA: Thank You.  
CG: WELCOME, DS. WELCOME TO MY HELL.  
AG: Oh come on, we aren’t that 8ad.  
TG: love how you are decorating with the brimstone  
TG: the fire lashes are a nice touch  
CG: THANK YOU.  
CG: NOW IF THE TWO LOVEBIRD LESBIAN- OH IM SORRY, LOVE8IRD LES8IAN BONNY AND CLYDE WOULD STOP MAKING GOO GOO EYES OVER EACH OTHER ON A PUBLIC FORUM AND TRIGGERING MY BROTHER, I’D BE ABLE TO SHOW YOU THE GRAND TOUR.  
KK: I am not ‘triggered’, just concerned about what may pass if they are left uncensored.  
AG: I wouldn’t leave my girlfriend unscissored if you know what I mean.  
GA: And This Is When I Take My Leave.  
GA: You Have The Couch Tonight.  
GA has left the room!  
AG: Aw damnit! Why do you guys have to 8e like that? You chased her away!  
CG: WE DID NO SUCH THING. IT’S YOUR INABILITY TO MAINTAIN A SENSE OF DECORUM FOR YOUR PARTNER’S SAKE THAT SHE LEFT. NOT ONLY DID YOU EMBARRASS HER IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS BY BRINGING UP YOUR PERSONAL SEX LIFE, BUT SHE’S PROBABLY ALSO EMBARRASSED FOR YOU. A DAUNTING FEAT SINCE YOU SEEM TO BEAR NONE OF THAT BURDEN YOURSELF.  
AG: Oh fuck off.  
CG: I WILL NOT FUCK OFF. I WILL REMAIN FIRMLY PLANTED HERE. MY ASS WILL TAKE ROOT AND DIG DEEP INTO THE FOAM SOILS OF MY COMPUTER CHAIR AND WILL REMAIN EXISTING IN THIS CHATROOM FOR AS LONG AS THERE IS INTERNET IN THE WORLD.  
CG: I WILL ALSO INFORM YOU THAT YOU NEED TO PREPARE PANCAKES IN THE MORNING BEFORE SHE WAKES AND BRING HER A TRAY WITH A FLOWER, PREFERABLY A LILY, SO THAT SHE MAY ENJOY BREAKFAST IN BED. THAT WILL BE A SUITABLE APOLOGY.  
AG: Thanks, Guru.  
AG: And I guess that’s my cue to peace out and leave you lonesome fuckers to yourselves.  
AG has left the room!  
CA: Wwe aren’t lonesome!  
CA: Damn, missed her.  
CC: You can harpoon her next time.  
CN: Damn, those cats are weird.  
CG: MANY RELATIONSHIPS LOOK WEIRD TO THE OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE BUT ARE USUALLY FAIRLY FUNCTIONAL WITHIN THEIR OWN HABITATION.  
CC: Reel-ly think that they are one of those?  
CG: AS LONG AS THEY DON’T ACTUALLY KILL EACH OTHER...  
CG: YES.

* * *

TG has invited CG to a private conversation.  
TG: can i talk to you guru  
TG: and like  
TG: have you not blab it out to everyone  
TG: not that you have a history of doing that  
TG: but i got some super secret super sensitive juicy information here that absolutely positively cant get into the wrong hands otherwise heads go up on pikes at the city gates as a warning to all those who attempt to stride in and do the same  
CG: OF COURSE YOU BLITHERING NUMBSKULL. ANY ONE OF YOU FUCKERS THAT I MUST BE BRAIN DAMAGED ENOUGH TO CONSIDER YOU FRIENDS HAVE AN OPEN INVITATION TO RAMBLE A YAWN AT ME OR TWO ANYTIME YOU FIND YOURSELF IN TROUBLE.  
TG: okay  
TG: thanks  
TG: really means a lot to me  
TG: even if you insult me as a friend  
TG: touches my heart deep inside  
CG: DS.  
CG: JUST GET ON WITH IT.  
TG: is it weird to think my brothers are hot  
CG: NO. UNLESS THEY HAVE SOME WEIRD GROWTH ON THEIR FACES THAT WOULD MAKE THEM MORE HIDEOUS THAN THE HUNCHBACK AND YOU THINK THAT’S PRETTY. THEN YOU WOULD BE FUCKING BAT SHIT WEIRD.  
TG: no they are objectively hot  
TG: anyone would want their dicks  
TG: you would want their dicks  
CG: ASDKFHA;DGF  
TG: again  
TG: even you would want their dicks they are that hot  
CG: WHATEVER, YOU FUCKTARD. THEN NO IT WOULDN’T BE WEIRD FOR YOU TO HAVE AN ATTRACTION.  
TG: would it be weird to act on that attraction  
CG: NO. BUT IT’S HIGHLY ILLEGAL  
TG: we are aware of that  
TG: mostly  
CG: WE????? SO YOU ARE ACTING ON IT.  
TG: yeah  
TG: well  
TG: its kinda hard not to  
TG: with the wanting of dicks and all  
TG: and the shit they do  
CG: DESPITE MY FEAR OF HAVING TO BLEACH MY BRAIN AFTERWARDS, WHAT KIND OF SHIT?  
TG: really hot heavy sex  
TG: basically incestuous gay orgy  
TG: my fav is when they tie me up  
TG: also my twin gets really riled up in public  
CG: ...  
TG: yeah  
TG: sorry  
TG: guess that was too much  
CG: WHAT ELSE?  
TG: well as i said my twin is an exhibitionist so any time he can get my pants down in public he will  
TG: weve done it at school at steak n shake the mall at summer camp  
TG: rooftop and back seat of car  
CG: WITH PEOPLE AROUND?  
TG: sometimes  
TG: were careful tho  
TG: no ones caught us  
TG: yet  
CG: I CAN’T BEGIN TO IMAGINE HOW SCARRED THEY WILL BE WHEN WHOEVER THE HAPLESS FUCKER HAPPENS TO WALK INTO A SCENE WHERE IDENTICAL DICKS ARE WAVING AROUND.  
TG: not identical  
TG: weve checked  
TG: just pretty similar  
TG: fraternal twins  
CG: I DON’T THINK YOUR VICTIM WILL TAKE THE TIME TO STOP AND CHECK TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE EXACTLY IDENTICAL IN THAT SITUATION.  
TG: hey you never know they might just end up jumping in with us  
TG: the older brothers do  
CG: AT ANY TIME?  
TG: well if they are in the mood pretty much yea  
TG: and one of them is pretty much always in the mood  
TG: hes a complete and utter horndog  
TG: hes the one who really got me into the whole bdsm scene compete with safewords and real leather and all  
TG: really kinky  
TG: taught my twin how to tie me up proper  
TG: with a lot of hands on examples  
CG: AKLDJHAIUGAH  
TG: is that a good keyboard smash or a bad one  
TG: because you told me to keep going  
TG: so you cant send me the bill for any brain bleaching that you require  
CG: I’M NOT  
CG: IT’S NOT  
CG: UGH  
CG: IT’S A GOOD KEYBOARD SMASH.  
TG: oh  
TG: so like  
TG: youre into that too  
CG: YES.  
TG: im gonna assume that you are a bottom too  
CG: THAT WOULD BE ACCURATE.  
TG: the question is how bottom  
TG: like with my brothers ive topped each of them from time to time but damn i love it when they have their way with me  
TG: but the oldest brother is also pretty bottom right with me  
TG: but twin and the horndog theyre definitely tops  
CG: HAVE YOU EVER  
TG: yes  
CG: KLAHROUIH;AOHB;OAG  
TG: oh yea  
TG: ive been the bottomest bottom to ever bottom  
TG: double stuffed and blow job combo  
CG:  
TG: ive broken you  
CG:    
TG: i have killed guru  
TG: cause of death  
TG: description of incestious gangbang staring me as the used and abused holes for the three dicks of my brothers  
TG: actually it wasnt a description  
TG: it was just the title of the description  
TG: and i didnt even get to mention that i was tied up for most of it  
TG: shibari one leg pinned  
TG: though i wasnt spanked  
TG: they didnt really play on my pain kink at all  
TG: surprising  
CG: YOU MIGHT JOKE ABOUT IT BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY ABOUT TO KILL ME, YOU SHAMEFUL INSIPID FUCKHEAD.  
TG: do you want me to stop  
TG: i can go cold turkey and start talking about kittens and puppies and budgies  
TG: i can give you twenty page long expositions on why budgies are the second best bird  
TG: second only to crows  
TG: and ravens  
TG: i guess that makes them third best  
CG: IF YOU’D LET ME GET A WORD IN YOUR EYE GLARINGLY RED DELUGE OF TEXT. NO. DON’T STOP.  
TG: youre just jealous of my hex code  
TG: hiding behind that stone fox facade  
TG: i bet you secretly want to have an even brighter red  
CG: SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET BACK TO RECOUNTING YOUR TALES OF DEBAUCHERY INVOLVING YOUR BROTHERS AND HIGHLY ILLEGAL SHENANIGANS AND EXTREMELY HOT KINKS.  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: where was i  
CG: PAIN KINK. ENLIGHTEN ME ON WHAT THAT MEANS.  
TG: like beyond the obvious  
TG: usually any rough handling will get me started  
TG: then i like anything that stings or aches  
TG: spanking is perfect because it first stings and then aches with a slow burn for the rest of the session and some time afterwards  
TG: i figured mine out while strifing with my twin  
TG: so im a class a masochist  
TG: biting and marking are also pretty nice  
TG: not cuts  
TG: blood usually means its gone too far  
TG: but i dont know its just an added layer to being used maybe i dont know the psychology behind it and like hell am i letting that little gem slip to those that would love to dissect my brain  
CG:  
CG: I THINK  
CG: I THINK I MIGHT HAVE THAT  
TG: what  
TG: a brain dissection  
CG: NO YOU SWEET LUMPY FUCKSPONGE  
CG: A PAIN KINK  
TG: oh  
TG: ooooooooh  
TG: damn youre like a mini me arent you  
TG: at least you dont have a dirty talk kink as bad as the eldest  
TG: we make him cum in his pants all the damn time  
CG: HOLY FUCK.  
TG: yeah its pretty damn fun  
TG: so we got that kink in the family  
TG: what else we got  
TG: control is a pretty big thing for the two doms  
TG: weve done crossdressing edging skinny dipping phone sex shower sex overstim multistim sex toys roleplay somnophilia petplay roadhead breathplay thigh fucking  
CG: YOU AND YOUR FAMILY SURE DO PUT THE FUN IN DYSFUNCTIONAL  
TG: the kinkier fuckers have even dipped into ponyplay and puppetplay  
TG: which is a huge FUCK NO for me  
CG: I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK.  
TG: better if you dont  
CG: BUT I DO HAVE TO ASK.  
CG: WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME WITH ALL OF THIS SEXUAL FRUSTRATION?  
TG: frustration  
TG: arent you guru  
TG: arent you the romance master  
TG: dont you have someone that you can share all of this with  
CG: FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. FUCK YOU WITH A MULTI ARMED CACTUS WITH SEVEN INCH NEEDLES. NO I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO TIE ME UP AND FUCK ME STRAIGHT THROUGH THE MATTRESS.  
CG: I WOULDN’T MIND SOMEONE’S SWEET FAT COCK UP MY ASS AT THIS VERY MOMENT ACTUALLY BUT I DON’T THINK YOU ARE OFFERING.  
TG: I thought you said you werent gay  
CG: I’M NOT.  
CG: I’M PANROMANTIC DEMISEXUAL.  
CG: THERE IS A DIFFERENCE ASSWIPE.  
CG: AND YOU ARE AVOIDING THE QUESTION.  
CG: WHY DID YOU COME TO ME OF ALL PEOPLE?  
TG: cause despite all of your shouty colorful insults  
TG: which honestly i adore how creative you can be do you have a generator or something opened in another tab  
TG: youre guru for a reason  
TG: youre kinda wise and probably the most sane of the chat room  
TG: but thats not really saying much  
TG: seriously tho  
TG: youre pretty good at the relationship therapy shit  
TG: and as i said im not going to go to any psycho therapist with this story  
TG: youre a pretty great second choice  
CG: THANKS.  
TG: no i mean it  
TG: i kinda trust you even if ive never met you and youve never figured out how to unlock your capslock  
TG: so  
TG: i  
TG: i just wanted to do a sanity check against someone who was fairly grounded  
TG: am i sane  
CG: NO.  
CG: YOU’RE FUCKING YOUR BROTHERS AND COMING TO ME FOR HELP.  
CG: THOSE ARE TWO INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE NOT SANE.  
CG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME.  
CG: YOU ARE LEAGUES BETTER THAN SPIDER 8ITCH.  
CG: AND AT LEAST YOU AREN’T TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS EVERY OTHER TURN.  
CG: IN FACT, IGNORING THE HIGHLY ILLEGAL FACT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, YOU SEEM TO HAVE A HEALTHY OPEN COMMUNICATION RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BROTHERS BASED ON THIS PERSONAL DISCUSSION AND THE BITS AND PIECES I’VE PICKED UP THROUGH THE CHAT ROOM.  
CG: GRANTED YOU’VE BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH.  
TG: i have been  
TG: no reason to lie when im anonymous  
TG: pretty sure you cant actually find me between tg and ds  
CG: THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TOO MANY WORRIES ABOUT BEING A TERRIBLE PERSON.  
TG: thanks guru  
TG: i really needed to share all that with someon  
TG: someone outside of the situation  
CG: I’D SAY ANYTIME BUT YOU’D PROBABLY TAKE ME UP ON THAT.  
TG: probably would  
TG: but i think im gonna hit the sack for tonight  
TG: ill frustrate you with more tales tomorrow  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
TG: love you too guru  
TG  has left!

* * *

Dave closes his laptop and sets it carefully on his nightstand. He feels a little bit better knowing that someone else knows his story. Through several layers of anonymity. But he’s found someone he can talk to.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> For more information please check out our work at striderclan.tumblr.com; we have more stories, head canons, art/pictures.


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